About last week

Alright so now that I’m home and comfortably in front of my keyboard, I can say more about what happened in Calgary. I was not exactly upset about the feminists shutting us down. I was mostly upset that we could not give the fans what they deserved. They trampled on the work of everyone who put in time and effort.

Initially I was not even upset until I stood inside the empty space where the booth had been. I’m used to being treated like trash by the people in my life. I’m used to being abused and being ostracized as a freak. Sure I knew there was a chance we’d be shutdown for some reason or another, but for a moment I wanted to believe in people.

The look on Sage and Allison’s faces when they got back from the panel on day one of the conference was so satisfying. They were so happy. I could tell that they at least believed that had gained some ground and that the two sides could come to an understanding. In that moment the world didn’t seem so dark. I was happy that they were happy.

I’d tweeted out the pictures from the convention booth in hopes that our viewers would know that we were there and that someone out there wasn’t going to take censorship lying down. Because creators everywhere are now self-censoring to survive. You can see the fear in their eyes and you can hear it in their voices, I guess I wanted them to know that someone out there understood and had their backs.

I remember waking up early for the second day of the con and breaking out my nerdy shirts. Because this was supposed to be the big day. Thursday was always supposed to be the slow day. So I saved my dorkiness for the big con days. I fully believed in the possibility that maybe we’d get to stay the whole four days considering how well everything had gone.

Maybe it was the wave of optimism that had rushed over me from the trip clouding my judgment. Either way I’d never seen Alison and the others so happy. Hell I’d never been so happy. For once I didn’t feel like such a freak. 

After the wave of angry comments on twitter, I didn’t know what we’d find out when we arrived the second day. I thought maybe we’d have to take down the #gamergate poster. Maybe we’d be barred from listening to the talks going on.

When Calgary Expo used the word “investigation” I foolishly thought they meant an actual investigation. I knew that if they actually spoke to Allison and us, they’d know we were good people who were willing to diffuse the situation.

I was not prepared for the look of disappointment on their faces. You could tell that many of them wanted to breakdown for a moment but were trying to grin and bare it. I was in denial that I was even upset. Because I avoid all the pain within myself like the plague. How I felt in that moment meant so little to me that I laughed it off at first. 

But I knew that look in Allison’s eyes. I felt so powerless in that moment, because I knew that there was nothing I could say to make any of them feel better. So I walked with Alison and Hannah. On the way out security asked for my badge. I sarcastically said, “Thanks for censoring me.”

I walked out the back with them and walked to the train station there. All of us shell shocked. Everything that had transpired was slowly seeping into my brain and sinking in. This was what discrimination felt like, and it was a feeling I knew all too well.

This wasn’t the stupid set of microaggressions that I often hear about on tumblr. This was hate and ignorance on the part of a few people. I wanted to shrug it off because that’s what I do, but I couldn’t. Not with Alison all in the middle of this and my photos being partially to blame.

It was so sad because I had even gone so far as to avoid mentioning my politics when speaking with exhibitors. I had kept my head down and tried to be any other nerd there. But even that wasn’t enough to sate the feminists. I saw the pain in Alison and I couldn’t let it go.

So I spent all week on social media trying to let everyone know what was going on. Maybe then, I could do something to cheer people up. I wanted people to see what I saw. Good people spending time with one another.

We stopped in a mall after getting off the train, and got some food. Then we walked the rest of the way home. So much was happening and so quickly. My twitter followers more than doubled overnight and suddenly everyone was wondering what I’d say next.

Now had I been on a computer I probably could have cleared up inconsistencies and sooner. I could have said that it was five women and five men who were kicked out altogether

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Women

Alison, Karen, Hannah, Me, and Anna Cherry

Men

Sage, Brian, Shiva, Doctor Randomercam (Mike), and Alison’s Husband

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They banned her and probably all of us for life. All I could think of to do was for us to meet with patrons and I think the others pretty much had that same thought at around the same time. We had to make things better. Everyone had supported us and we wanted to make it worth it for the fans who’d come to see us. I knew we had to make ourselves accessible,

That brings us to the park incident where someone either on the staff, or in the building called the cops on us for meeting at Reader Rock Park. A park which was across the street from the expo. We wanted to be within walking distance so that people didn’t have to choose between us and the expo.

First day was really fucking cold and a handful of people showed up. So we went to an irish pub where I had my first poutine, and soon a small crowd had showed up to talk and drink with us. Seeing them and hearing their stories made everything worthwhile.

Second day of meet ups, it was really nice out so we stayed longer than anticipated. With maybe something in the realm of 12 or more showing up to speak with us. A girl I’d only met through skype was there both days and brought the infamous cheese and meat platter. 

Minutes before we intended to take the gathering else where, a cop rolled up in a van. He was polite and courteous. But his questions involved the expo and asking us our intentions. Things like, were we intending to re-enter the grounds? Is this a protest? He placed emphasis on the part about us not going back to the expo and said that as long as we didn’t and were meeting in a public place, we were fine. We told him we were just hanging out and when he realized we weren’t aggressive, he left.

Soon after that we went back to the place we were staying. I got a picture of the scene from one of the people present and uploaded it to twitter. Which is how everything unfolded. Surely people were skeptical, but all we did at the park on the second day was sit around talking and then we took some group pictures. 

There are parts of this I can not yet mention because they are to do with the pursuit of the case that we might be building against those who discriminated against us in this way. Those things I can not mention, but you can be assured that we will tell you everything when the time is right.

It’s been like being in the eye of a storm recently and it’s weird having people know who I am and what I do. But I just want to say thank you. Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart. For being so supportive to all of us.